10 Things I Never Thought I’d Be Doing During A Pandemic

The Apocalypse has accelerated long over-due home admin as well as personally connecting me to an A-lister – kind of…

1. I never thought I would be using cans of kidney beans as weights

While I haven’t turned my living room into an F45-friendly workout space, I have made use of two dusty cans of red kidney beans for some bicep action during lockdown.

2. I never thought I would be watching a theatre performance on YouTube

The UK’s National Theatre released recordings of live shows including One Man, Two Gunvors starring James Corden from 2011. It turns out, an at-home-theatre experience still elicits belly laughs…– or was it just the quarantine delirium getting to me?

3. I never thought I would be planning virtual birthday parties

It’s the big 3-0 for myself and many of my friends this year. As if we’re going anywhere past the threshold of our homes, though. Here’s to swapping the sugary sands of the Maldives for virtual backgrounds of the Maldives – which you can enable on your Zoom profile. You’re welcome and also, sorry.

4. I never thought I would text Rita Wilson

When Tom Hanks got struck by the Rona in March 2020, the world folded in a collective heap of sadness. ‘America’s dad’ as he has been lovingly known as was in Australia with his actress/singer wife, Rita Wilson for a concert. During her and her husband’s quarantine she gave out her mobile number on Instagram to connect with the world to give and receive messages of solidarity. I texted her. She didn’t text me back. Oh well…

5. I never thought my balcony would turn into a flight viewing deck

I live under the flight path. In the past I cursed DXB’s rampant activity. But just as we emerged from lockdown, I pre-empted each (sporadic) passing flight by getting out the popcorn and sitting in semi-outdoor solitude watching the singular jet streams disappear into the ether of 2020.
Side note: my balcony furniture is also taking way more precedence over my indoor furniture. Didn’t think that would happen…

6. I never thought my plants would be upgraded from decoration to sounding boards

I now voice my woes to my Parlor Palm and Ficus Elastica with unabashed feeling. And I also test out jokes on them. It turns out they have impeccable taste.

7. I never thought I would be co-ordinating championship games of (very heated) online scrabble

My competitive streak knows no bounds –my spit smeared computer screen tells a very damning tale…

8. I never thought I would be sliding my neighbour food to her door

My neighbour is a terrible cook. I am a great cook. Times are tough for her – so in compliance with social distancing, my neighbour has been receiving my home-cooked food via my trust-worthy SLIDEX delivery service. Express, as well…

9. I never thought I would finally get round to categorizing my books by genre

I genuinely thought this endeavour would go down as an urban myth in my life. My low-key OCD is so fulfilled right now.

10. I never thought supermarkets would become surrogate nightclubs

I have to admit, my friends and I occasionally co-ordinated our permit schedules back when that was a thing so we were all at the supermarket together at the same time. If the detergents aisle could talk…

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